It’s New Year’s Eve–the night when we say good bye to the old year and make plans for the new. In this case we welcome not only a new year, but a new decade. It’s even been twenty years since we ushered in Y2K. I remember that year….my brother and his family hosted a New Year’s Eve party where we all participated in writing a note to be put in a time capsule and opened 10 years later. I have my note, and when I can find it, I’ll post a picture in here (its in one of those boxes I haven’t yet opened since my move 3 months ago). It basically said that when we opened the time capsule in 2010, I wanted to be 1/2 the person I was (weight loss ever on my mind), and twice the person I was (married), have a couple of kids, and a nice house, and the life that I had always dreamed of. Instead, I had gained and additional half of what I weighed, hadn’t had a date in a decade, and the dream of having children was slowly making it’s way down the drain.
Well….life doesn’t always work out like we had planned. I dreamed of being a wife and a mother ever since I can remember, as evidenced by my love for baby dolls and playing house when I was a kid. I spent the better part of 2.5 decades feeling like the lack of these things in my life was proof that I didn’t matter as much as the next person–that I was in some way lacking or not deserving. That I was flawed in ways that could never be overcome and doomed to a lonely, sad life simply because I wasn’t good enough for those things I wanted most.
I can tell you now that my thinking over those two plus decades was the most flawed thing about me. I’m not 100% sure why that is where my heart and soul went and why it chose to stay there for so long, but I know now that my lack of those things was anything but proof that I didn’t matter or the result of my many supposed flaws. While I would have loved to have those things, I am so happy with and grateful for my life just as it is. It has taken me a long time, but I can say I honestly believe that I’m right where I need to be and that the things I learned over those 25 years have made me just who I need to be now.
So why am I telling you all of this? I don’t tell you in order to solicit sympathy or pitty. I don’t tell you to get your reinforcement that I am, in deed, enough. I do think it might help you understand a little about me and will perhaps lend some insight to the rest of this post. Plus, it’s New Year’s and I’ve been thinking about past New Years Eves and waxing a bit nostalgic.
You know how people often choose a word to guide their goal setting or give them something to focus on for the year. I have done this the past few years. In 2018 my word was nourish. I saw it as a reminder to eat healthful food as well as to participate in many other things that nourish me in one way or another. My 2019 word was brave. And I must say, the focus worked. I did A LOT of brave things in 2019.
And my 2020 word–or actually phrase–(drumroll please……) Fair Dinkum. What is Fair Dinkum, you may be asking. Well, it’s an Australian term that I hadn’t heard of before October of this year. A leader in my church used it in a talk at General Conference. He described it as being committed, setting your priorities and then being all-in. In essence, he said the people are Fair Dinkum when they are what they say they are. And the result of giving our all and really being who we say we are is JOY. I’m all for that! For some reason this talk really spoke to me–not only about prioritizing the gospel in my life, but in being committed to those things that are important to me and and really being in every situation exactly who I say I am.
Over the years, I’ve become guarded. I hold my feelings close and often hold back from full participation or I cling tightly t parts of who I am for fear that I will be embarrassed or ridiculed if I share my opinions or react genuinely to things going on around me. I’ve learned not to hope for things. I’ve learned not to trust others with my feelings. I’ve tried to stay safe, which has just kept me lonely. I’m not hiding any big secrets, or anything. I am pretty much a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of girl. I just hold back from being all in because I still struggle to believe that I what I have to offer matters.
So as I step into 2020, I commit to be Fair Dinkim–to be who I say I am. I am committed to stretching and being more open in all situations. I’m committed to thoughtfully setting goals and then seeing them through. I’m committed to setting the old scripts that guided my past behaviors and were driven by fear aside and trusting that people will love me just as I am.
I will wear this bracelet to remind me of my commitment and remind me to be Fair Dinkum.
I am excited to start the ABC’s of T posts soon. Like really soon. Be on the lookout!
Have a very happy new year!